||[Sep. 19th, 2006|07:31 pm]
Today, at work, I lost my mind completely.|
Sometimes customers think I am retarded. Lots of people get the impression that I am mentally retarded. And, I guess, sometimes it makes people feel good about themselves to be kind towards the retarded. So they say soothing, warm, kind-hearted things to me in a sort of condescending way. "You're doing a good job." "You're doing great."
Maybe they're trying to calm me down? The times that they say it, I'm usually in a hurry. There are times I'm pretty frantic at work, especially lately, but I think I've gotten a hold of it. A hold of myself. Maybe? Anyways
I described this to Nat and how it made me feel as though they were prejudging me, that I somehow exude a radiance of retardation -- an odorous stink of stupidity! Like they must think I am very special and that Subway is doing me some kind of favor by keeping me on the payroll in spite of the fact that I probably can't perform my duties as well as everyone else. Like they're doing a civic duty by hiring the retard. And they're doing their civic duty by complimenting the retard on his ability to construct sandwiches.
Now, this is all very paranoid. I know this is not the way it is, but we were just shooting off random dialogue all the day today, bouncing from topic to topic and generally having fun. There's a new girl working and I had given Nat a little ginseng chocolate, plus I had drank a Rockstar, so we were all cracking jokes and acting as rambunctious and playful as geeks and nerds can get.
Nat says to me, "The next time this happens," 'this' referring to the customers complimenting the retard, "you should say, 'THAAANK YOOOOU!!'" He swung his arms low and hunched his back and made a dumb, happy-face like his brains had turned to cotton as he said this, and
I completely lost my shit. I laughed uncontrollably. This is hard to describe. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that. It was an ecstasy. I wasn't at all in control of myself. I was gasping with each laugh and, try as I might, could not stop finding what he had just said funny. It was still funny a minute later and I was still laughing and I had to excuse myself for a minute to the back of the store where I could compose myself and wipe the tears from my eyes. It was then that I really realized what had just happened and started to think about it, still chuckling and giggling -- what had I been laughing at? It wasn't that funny, but it struck a very poignant chord for me. I haven't laughed like that in a long time. I wonder what it was.